Superlatives

Every year, high schools and some middle schools have a list of superlatives: Best Dressed, Best Smile, Most Likely to Become President, etc. What I want to know is: what the hell? Have people been judging me every time I wore a sweatshirt or something?
Actually, no, unless you’re one of those popular girls who spend fifteen minutes a morning just on their eye makeup, as opposed to, say, their general appearance. Then again, if you’re one of those bitchy, catty, popular girls, a) you’re not reading this, so I don’t have to worry about offending you or you exacting revenge; and b) you, at least, might win one of those meaningless appearance-related superlatives.
What I want is a complete reformation of the superlative system. Each graduating class, instead of voting on a person for a specific superlative, instead nominates people for superlatives they make up, and the most accurate and creative ones go in the yearbook.
Benefits to this system: people have a laugh, superlatives are more likely to fit, and popularity contests are meaningless.
Disadvantages: those bitchy, catty, popular girls who have spent all this time preening might get upset they won’t be able to win Best Hair, which might make them cry, which will definitely (gasp!) make the makeup over which they toiled go to ruin.
Somehow that doesn’t seem like much of a disadvantage.
This is dependent, of course, on a reasonably creative student body and a school government made of people sick of popularity contests. (This may actually be less common then you might think, especially with officers: after all, no one elected them based on merit.)
But say you have these two factors. Who are you going to nominate for what? I can’t exactly help you with the whom, as it’s quite likely I don’t know what’s-his-face, but I can help you with the what.
My list of suggested superlatives (come on, you knew it was coming. Lists rock!):

• Most Likely to Get a Degree in Something Totally Useless and End Up Filthy Rich
• Most Likely to Try Really Hard to Succeed and Fail Miserably
• Most Likely to Win a Darwin Award by Age Thirty
• Most Attractive Left Ear
• Best Facial Hair (this one is also open to girls)
• Best Death Glare
• Most Able to Write a Fantastic Essay on Absolutely Nothing
• Most Likely to Get Away with Murder
• Most Likely to Become a Starving Artist and Self-Amputate an Appendage Just for the Hell of It… and Become Incredibly Famous After Death (a.k.a. the Vincent Van Gogh Award)
• Most Likely to Live Under a Bridge
• Most Interesting Schnozz
• Most Dexterous Eyebrows
• Most Likely to Succeed as a Prostitute/Hooker/Whore
• Most Likely to Assume Everything is about Him, When, in Fact, It’s Not

I don’t know if you’re on any class boards or whatever, or have power over them, or are reading this (by the way, responses from No. 2/ “Lord Perfor”- don’t ask me, because I sure as hell don’t know- do not count as evidence. He, by the way, won that final superlative.), or have a cousin whose best friend’s shift manager is in a student government, but it would rock if schools would stop with lame-ass “Best Hair” and “Most Studious” (winners of that one tend to be notorious for photographic memories and just not giving a shit about grades, for the irony of it).
Even if your class board doesn’t go for it, what about an anti-yearbook yearbook? Get someone who everyone knows, like that guy Bartleby in Accepted, and have him take a bunch of pictures all year, of crazy things too “scandalous” to put in the official school yearbook. Spread it via internet so people don’t have to pay for it, or print it so it looks like a magazine on the outside, so the school can’t get on you for it. Use pseudonyms for the credits, and tips for sleeping in class or passing physics without actually doing any work. And the crowning glory: the superlatives, as decided by the entire class.

Thought for the Day: “I fell asleep every time I tried to read A Tale of Two Cities.”
“Dude, I fell asleep every time I tried to read the Spark Notes for A Tale of Two Cities.”

Signed,
Two of Wands
“Most Likely to Become President”