Invisibility

What would be worse, I wonder? Being invisible or completely despised? I suppose one would naturally wish for the other, but if you knew both, which is worse?
If you’re despised, people hate you. They attempt to slam you into lockers, purposely attack your religion, sneer at any thought you voice. It’s a miserable existence, and a situation difficult to remedy, requiring several years and a few very loyal friends.
But being invisible? When you’re invisible, it’s like there’s a glass wall separating you from the rest of the world, but while you can see out, no one can see in. You find yourself either hiding behind a book, trying to block out the sounds of chatter and laughter, or staring enviously at the comradely manner in which people are interacting. The realization you don’t belong is no surprise; the longing to get out of your small-time life is amplified. And then you realize even the circus won’t take you, not because you’re not weird enough, but because you simply aren’t there.
So you try to find people you can call, even loosely, “friends”. They’re not people you like, or with whom you have anything in common. They’re people who don’t object if you sit near them. They probably don’t even notice you’re there, but you can pretend they sort of like you. But whatever you do, don’t get involved with them. They don’t care you think their opinion is stupid, their taste in music terrible. As long as your own “friends” don’t even notice you, they won’t object to you. Choosing invisibility, ironically, is the only way you can convince the rest of the world you’re really there.
God forbid you choose to chum up to people you actually like. These are the people with hobbies and the right kind of humor, who can, and will, debate you about absolutely anything for hours. They’re your soul-sisters and –brothers, the people with whom you have a real connection.
But either they don’t realize you’re there, or they ignore you. The ultimate rejection by society. When your own soul-siblings don’t want you, there’s only one thing to do: become despised, and work your way into the accepted, well-known place you covet. It’s difficult and painful, and makes you want to rip your hair out and beat up cheerleaders. (The latter is, admittedly, quite gratifying, but not a good idea if you want to improve your Image.) But in the end, you’re not entirely alone, and you can talk about real light stuff with most people. You’re seen and yet you blend, and when you stand out, it’s in a good way. It might be an utterly boring existence, but at least you can be content.
As for your soul-siblings? The original group forgets you even exist, or they remain the only ones who despise you. Nonetheless, deep down, or not so deep really, you want them to remember you and think, “Hey, what happened to so-and-so? I miss them. I’ll give them a call, and maybe we can hang out sometime.” Speaking from experience, it doesn’t happen.
And yet I still have hope.

Have you ever wanted something
You didn’t really want
Because what you did want
You could never have?

Have you ever tried to fit
Where you could never quite belong
Because where you did belong
You could never fit?

Have you ever tried to be
Someone you’re not
To fit where you didn’t belong
And have what you didn’t want?

Have you ever felt invisible?
Separate? Ignored?
Have you ever made a scene
Just so you could be seen?

Have you ever felt that no one
Was ever on your side?
But the world’s not out to get you,
Because it doesn’t know you’re there?

And just to make the torment worse,
To make the message clearer,
Ever have you been alone
Surrounded by a crowd?

Thought for the day: When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Signed,
Two of Wands