Atheism

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5479410612081345878
This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Watch it, it’s hilarious. Don’t you love stupid people? I do too. They way they attempt to completely make up evidence… Talk about egotistical bigots.
I’ve never really believed in a god. Every night, my mother would read to me from The Children’s Bible, and the only reason I put up with it was because she’d follow up with part of Harry Potter. By the time I was ten, I could recite the Lord’s Prayer at super speed and use biblical passages to disprove their own theories.
Yes, theories. Think about it: what do we call the Greco-Roman religions (and other religions in which no one really believes any more)? Myths. A bunch of stories they made up to explain how the universe works, because they hadn’t the evidence to use cold hard fact.
So what is modern theism but myths? Science is based on fact. There are numbers and observations and proof and common sense. Where is that in religion? A guy parted a sea made red with the blood of killed firstborns- right. Because such an all-loving god would kill off innocent kids because one single guy wouldn’t do what he wanted. And do you have any idea how much blood it would take to dye the entire sea? A lot, that’s how much. Sure, it’s a great story (good triumphs over evil, etc.), but it’s completely different if you believe it is fact.
As long as people think of the stories of the Bible as moral guidelines, it’s okay. But believing it really happened is- dare I say it?- idiotic. And believing there really is an omnipresent, omniscient being running the show makes no sense either. After all, if there is one, why hasn’t He turned me into a pillar of salt or something like that? I’m a liar, a blasphemer, a downright sinner. I admit it and I’m proud of it, so why haven’t I been punished? Yes, I know, I’ll be sent to Hell, yadda, yadda, yadda, but in that case, I’ll hardly be alone. If everyone who sinned went to Hell, then there’s no point in even furnishing Heaven.
Religion is a set of beliefs about the metaphysical, about some higher power. A lot of the time, it’s taught to you from birth, so you get brainwashed during your most formative years and can believe in nothing else. It takes a strong, rational mind to break away from this dependence on something that you have no evidence of existing. I was lucky, because even though I was told there was a god by my mother, my dad’s a skeptic, and Mom’s church is Unitarian Universalist, which is essentially codename for “let’s all be nice to each other, no matter what we believe!” So my brainwashing was far from being nearly as complete as others’.
But back to what religion is.
It is what someone believes. If you believe every word in that little book you find in hotel room drawers in true, then that’s the foundation for your religion. (Note that I still mean beliefs about the metaphysical, and not about whether the Sox or the Yankees are a better baseball team. I am so not gonna get into that here.)
Atheism, therefore, is the belief that there is no higher power, that science can explain how the universe was created. And if you say, “Oh, but what are the odds that this universe would be created with exactly the necessary properties for us to exist?”, then let me tell you this: if the odds hadn’t worked out, then we wouldn’t exist and thus would not be having this debate, now would we? No, I didn’t think so.
I’m also not saying science is a religion. It’s not a set of beliefs, it’s a set of provable facts. People who think some of these facts (aka evolution) are wrong should probably get their brains checked out. We have the fossils. We win.
Atheism is not worship of science. Atheists do not worship, nor are we amoral or evil. We just don’t need a guy in a funny robe to tell us our morals. We have souls, we have hearts, we care. We just don’t think there’s any reason to kill our knees and waste time that could be spent doing something worthwhile to pray to something that we say isn’t even there.
And FYI- just because atheists can also be termed “secular humanists”- which is sort of the PC way of putting us- does not mean we worship humans or crap like that. We do not worship anything. No little sculptures of a dude on a cross, no invisible, nonexistent “presence”, nada.
As for agnostics- they are not people who do not know if there’s a god or not, contrary to banana boy’s statement. (Didn’t I tell you to follow the link?) They are people either too lazy to decide what they believe or people too wimpy to fess up that they follow a non-mainstream religion, such as atheism.
Honestly, I think religion is okay, as long as people don’t live their entire lives trying to “save” others. Take that bishop dude in Les Miserables: very religious, yes, but he didn’t tell Jean Valjean to repent and confess and all would be forgiven, he gave him a couple of candlesticks and told him to turn his life around. If people could just understand that it’s not how hard you worship but how you live your life that makes you a good or evil person, then religious differences would matter so much less. After all, the people who led the Inquisition killed innocents just because they were born into a different religion. Does murder, even in the name of God make you a good person? Not in my book, on my list of morals.
And I do have one, you know. There are certain givens for me, albeit plenty of room for debate. No one else told me what they are, nor do I use its name to commit amoral things.

1. Don’t steal crap from people. It’s a jerky thing to do.
2. Only sleep around if you want to get knocked up or father an unwanted child and/or get a bunch of STIs.
3. Sex before marriage isn’t some terrible sin. Just be careful about it.
4. Don’t lie and/or cheat when it matters. Ten point homework assignments don’t matter.
5. Never kill in cold blood (self-defense is another story).
6. Revenge might feel good, but sometimes it’s time to just move on.
7. There are better ways to feel good than getting high. Better things for your body, too.
8. Never drink and drive (more like common sense, really). In my case, I don’t get drunk because I have a fear that something will happen that I won’t be able to remember. But if you want to get drunk, have someone like me around to hold your hair back when you commune with the toilet.
9. Don’t cheat in relationships. Ever. I don’t mean don’t look at other people, just don’t do anything about any sexual thoughts you have about someone while in a relationship. Break it off first, if it’s too strong.
10. And of course, the Golden Rule. There’s a variation of it in every religion, so of course it’s in atheism: Don’t be a prat. It’s annoying.

Thought for the day: Maybe Bobby Henderson was right all along, and we really were created by a drunken Flying Spaghetti Monster and lack of pirates cause global warming. Hey, it makes a hell of a lot more sense than spontaneously combusting bushes.

Signed,
Two of Wands

Serenades

Possibly the most romantic thing a guy could do is, in my opinion, is serenade a girl. But the serenade is not to be taken lightly; certain rules must be obeyed for it to be considered sweet and heart-wrenching, as opposed to embarrassing for all parties involved.

Rule Number 1: Who Can Serenade:

• You must have a good voice, or else the girl will be totally turned off.
• You must be appropriately artsy and offbeat; no hardcore jocks or glow-in-the-dark video game nerds would be taken seriously.
• You must be serious about the girl: serenades are not for one-night stands, but for expressing interest in a long-term relationship with the girl.

Rule Number 2: How to Serenade:

• Her parents should not be home, nor should any stodgy old people be. The ideal situation would be when she is at a sleepover at another girl’s house, whose parents are not home. Another ideal, but more difficult, situation, would be if you were both counselors at a residential summer camp, and you were to serenade her outside her cabin. However, you would have to bring your entire cabin along with you, to witness your potential rejection.
• Don’t be drunk and/or high at the time. Brush your teeth first. Think about it.
• Consider accompaniment. If you can sing the song a cappella, go for it. Playing a background track is tacky, but if you can play the guitar, that would be optimal. In a rarer circumstance, bring a friend who can play the guitar with you, but have him stand behind you so you are the one noticed. I’m sure he’ll understand.
• Make sure you enunciate properly, or else it’ll just sound like, “Blah/ Your eyes/ Blahdity Blah/ I’m a fool”, which totally ruins the effect.
• Make sure the girl is at least a little bit interested; a girl who scorns the ground on which you walk is much more likely to file a restraining order against you than to respond positively.

Rule Number 3: Choosing the Song

• Don’t go for something you know she hates. You will automatically lose. At life.
  
• Funny can be nice, but if you’re normally a riot, take this one thing seriously and do a less comedic and more romantic song.
• Nothing sad or lonely. Acceptable tones include "feelings" (egad, what a loaded word), longing, hope, etc.
  
• Avoiding the L-Bomb might be a decent idea if either one of you is skeptical about young romance and “love at first sight”. If you do choose a song with that, mean it. Otherwise, stick with something that just implies you’re romantically attracted to her.
• Promising anything about forever is a bad idea too, unless you’re proposing. In that case, you’re not trying to get the girl, you’re trying to keep her, so use the L-Bomb as much as you like. (But mean it, dammit!) And have a ring, and maybe make sure there’s an audience, with at least one member armed with a video camera.
  
• Go for a song that has a special memory for the two of you, something positive in which neither of you act like fools, or at least you have fun acting like fools and don’t regret it.
• No duets. Her sticking her head out the window and singing along to “A Whole New World” would get five million hits on You Tube, but that would only happen if a) she’s self-confident enough to sing in public, b) she knows the words and tune, c) she’s convinced you’re serious before the end of the first verse, and d) there’s no screen on the window.
• Nothing that makes it sound like you’re trying to get into her pants. This post is on serenades, not booty calls.
• Some suggestions:

Ø “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain- tried and true.

Ø “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” by Elton John- not the one from The Lion King, but the single. Even though Sir Elton is gay, it can totally be song to a girl.

Ø “Fallin’” from They’re Playing Our Song- (or others) only if you’re both Broadway buffs. Otherwise, you’re an idiot.

Ø “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls- a choice dependent on personal preferences.

Ø “Hanging by a Moment” by Lifehouse- see note for “Iris”.

Ø “Fix You” by Coldplay- if she’s going through a bit of a rough time at the moment, or has weirdly low self-esteem, this could be a huge confidence-booster (and can boost your chances, too).

Ø “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles- for something a little lighter and a bit funnier.

Ø “Bridge over Troubled Water” by Simon and Garfunkel- slow, sweet, and to the point.

Ø “Time after Time” by Cyndi Lauper- yes, it’s by a woman, and no, this post is not for girls to serenade guys (oh, they can, but I for one would much prefer to be serenaded than to do the actual serenading), but there’s nothing gender-specific in this romantic 80s ballad. Sing it an octave lower or change the key.

Ø “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith- for those with difficulty interpreting poetry, it's a good song that’s easy to understand.

So if you want to capture a girl’s heart, serenade! (As long as you follow my three basic, easy-to-figure-out rules.) Just plan it well, and hopefully you won’t die of rejection.

Thought for the day: Bergader: Is it Ber-GAY-der or Ber-GAH-der? Less importantly, how does it taste, and can you put it on a sandwich?

Signed,
Two of Wands (who is less sane than usual at the moment)

Superlatives

Every year, high schools and some middle schools have a list of superlatives: Best Dressed, Best Smile, Most Likely to Become President, etc. What I want to know is: what the hell? Have people been judging me every time I wore a sweatshirt or something?
Actually, no, unless you’re one of those popular girls who spend fifteen minutes a morning just on their eye makeup, as opposed to, say, their general appearance. Then again, if you’re one of those bitchy, catty, popular girls, a) you’re not reading this, so I don’t have to worry about offending you or you exacting revenge; and b) you, at least, might win one of those meaningless appearance-related superlatives.
What I want is a complete reformation of the superlative system. Each graduating class, instead of voting on a person for a specific superlative, instead nominates people for superlatives they make up, and the most accurate and creative ones go in the yearbook.
Benefits to this system: people have a laugh, superlatives are more likely to fit, and popularity contests are meaningless.
Disadvantages: those bitchy, catty, popular girls who have spent all this time preening might get upset they won’t be able to win Best Hair, which might make them cry, which will definitely (gasp!) make the makeup over which they toiled go to ruin.
Somehow that doesn’t seem like much of a disadvantage.
This is dependent, of course, on a reasonably creative student body and a school government made of people sick of popularity contests. (This may actually be less common then you might think, especially with officers: after all, no one elected them based on merit.)
But say you have these two factors. Who are you going to nominate for what? I can’t exactly help you with the whom, as it’s quite likely I don’t know what’s-his-face, but I can help you with the what.
My list of suggested superlatives (come on, you knew it was coming. Lists rock!):

• Most Likely to Get a Degree in Something Totally Useless and End Up Filthy Rich
• Most Likely to Try Really Hard to Succeed and Fail Miserably
• Most Likely to Win a Darwin Award by Age Thirty
• Most Attractive Left Ear
• Best Facial Hair (this one is also open to girls)
• Best Death Glare
• Most Able to Write a Fantastic Essay on Absolutely Nothing
• Most Likely to Get Away with Murder
• Most Likely to Become a Starving Artist and Self-Amputate an Appendage Just for the Hell of It… and Become Incredibly Famous After Death (a.k.a. the Vincent Van Gogh Award)
• Most Likely to Live Under a Bridge
• Most Interesting Schnozz
• Most Dexterous Eyebrows
• Most Likely to Succeed as a Prostitute/Hooker/Whore
• Most Likely to Assume Everything is about Him, When, in Fact, It’s Not

I don’t know if you’re on any class boards or whatever, or have power over them, or are reading this (by the way, responses from No. 2/ “Lord Perfor”- don’t ask me, because I sure as hell don’t know- do not count as evidence. He, by the way, won that final superlative.), or have a cousin whose best friend’s shift manager is in a student government, but it would rock if schools would stop with lame-ass “Best Hair” and “Most Studious” (winners of that one tend to be notorious for photographic memories and just not giving a shit about grades, for the irony of it).
Even if your class board doesn’t go for it, what about an anti-yearbook yearbook? Get someone who everyone knows, like that guy Bartleby in Accepted, and have him take a bunch of pictures all year, of crazy things too “scandalous” to put in the official school yearbook. Spread it via internet so people don’t have to pay for it, or print it so it looks like a magazine on the outside, so the school can’t get on you for it. Use pseudonyms for the credits, and tips for sleeping in class or passing physics without actually doing any work. And the crowning glory: the superlatives, as decided by the entire class.

Thought for the Day: “I fell asleep every time I tried to read A Tale of Two Cities.”
“Dude, I fell asleep every time I tried to read the Spark Notes for A Tale of Two Cities.”

Signed,
Two of Wands
“Most Likely to Become President”

Is Anybody Out There?

A few days ago I found out that people read this. A friend of mine, we’ll call her GIGO (not her real name. And she’ll probably either not get it or take serious offense at it, won’t you, GIGO?), told me she’s shown people this, and they’ve actually liked it.
So I’ve installed a hit counter to verify this little tidbit of knowledge, and sure enough, the little purple numbers at the bottom of the page keep going up. Apparently people do read this.
You could have fooled me.
When I tell people about this, I try to make it clear I’m just notifying them it exists, not trying to pressure them into telling me they like it. People so over-compliment these days, someone complimenting me makes me squirm. I’d honestly prefer a frank opinion, all the time, than try to guess someone’s true meaning. If it’s positive, that’s fantastic, but what sort of friendship is based solely on niceness? A crappy one, that’s what, but I’ve already ranted on this topic. Twice.
Point is, people are reading it, and I had no idea. I’ve had one comment on each on the first two posts, and they were both from the second person of the four I’ve told so far. (Ironically, I never actually told GIGO. No. 2 did)
Look, when I tell people I made this thing, I say, “Read and spread as you see fit.” People are reading and people are spreading, so perhaps I should create an addendum to my mantra: “Read , spread, and comment as you see fit.” Someone’s gotta see fit, right? Because I (gasp!) sincerely want to know what you really think, and, if I actually know you, know that you’re reading this, just for kicks. I’d also like the numbers and PINs of all your credit cards. (That last sentence was a joke. Feel free to burst into a crazy bout of laughter.)
I started this thing because a friend told me maybe I should, considering I have far more opinions than the average American and am sure as hell not afraid to voice them.
Fact of the matter is, people don’t want me to voice them. Apparently I’m not always quite PC, and they get offended. A lot. So I figure I won’t make people listen to all of them if they don’t want to. But if you do want to listen, perhaps you could respond?
I’ll cover whatever you want (if the subject inspires me), if you ask for it. I’ll take into account your suggestions, as long as they aren’t “Make this thing more PC.” And maybe if you ask real nice, I’ll reestablish my rekick page element to put your website on it. According to my sources, people might actually see it.
So, my dear little chicklings, care to have a go?

Thought for the day: Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

Signed,
Two of Wands

Invisibility

What would be worse, I wonder? Being invisible or completely despised? I suppose one would naturally wish for the other, but if you knew both, which is worse?
If you’re despised, people hate you. They attempt to slam you into lockers, purposely attack your religion, sneer at any thought you voice. It’s a miserable existence, and a situation difficult to remedy, requiring several years and a few very loyal friends.
But being invisible? When you’re invisible, it’s like there’s a glass wall separating you from the rest of the world, but while you can see out, no one can see in. You find yourself either hiding behind a book, trying to block out the sounds of chatter and laughter, or staring enviously at the comradely manner in which people are interacting. The realization you don’t belong is no surprise; the longing to get out of your small-time life is amplified. And then you realize even the circus won’t take you, not because you’re not weird enough, but because you simply aren’t there.
So you try to find people you can call, even loosely, “friends”. They’re not people you like, or with whom you have anything in common. They’re people who don’t object if you sit near them. They probably don’t even notice you’re there, but you can pretend they sort of like you. But whatever you do, don’t get involved with them. They don’t care you think their opinion is stupid, their taste in music terrible. As long as your own “friends” don’t even notice you, they won’t object to you. Choosing invisibility, ironically, is the only way you can convince the rest of the world you’re really there.
God forbid you choose to chum up to people you actually like. These are the people with hobbies and the right kind of humor, who can, and will, debate you about absolutely anything for hours. They’re your soul-sisters and –brothers, the people with whom you have a real connection.
But either they don’t realize you’re there, or they ignore you. The ultimate rejection by society. When your own soul-siblings don’t want you, there’s only one thing to do: become despised, and work your way into the accepted, well-known place you covet. It’s difficult and painful, and makes you want to rip your hair out and beat up cheerleaders. (The latter is, admittedly, quite gratifying, but not a good idea if you want to improve your Image.) But in the end, you’re not entirely alone, and you can talk about real light stuff with most people. You’re seen and yet you blend, and when you stand out, it’s in a good way. It might be an utterly boring existence, but at least you can be content.
As for your soul-siblings? The original group forgets you even exist, or they remain the only ones who despise you. Nonetheless, deep down, or not so deep really, you want them to remember you and think, “Hey, what happened to so-and-so? I miss them. I’ll give them a call, and maybe we can hang out sometime.” Speaking from experience, it doesn’t happen.
And yet I still have hope.

Have you ever wanted something
You didn’t really want
Because what you did want
You could never have?

Have you ever tried to fit
Where you could never quite belong
Because where you did belong
You could never fit?

Have you ever tried to be
Someone you’re not
To fit where you didn’t belong
And have what you didn’t want?

Have you ever felt invisible?
Separate? Ignored?
Have you ever made a scene
Just so you could be seen?

Have you ever felt that no one
Was ever on your side?
But the world’s not out to get you,
Because it doesn’t know you’re there?

And just to make the torment worse,
To make the message clearer,
Ever have you been alone
Surrounded by a crowd?

Thought for the day: When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Signed,
Two of Wands

On Friendship

It seems to me that there are too many types of friends in the world. You can call someone you completely hate a friend, or be hesitant to call someone you do like more than an acquaintance.
The inevitable list, on types of friends:

• Part one: People you don't really like:

1. Someone you can't afford to have on your bad side.

2. Friend of a friend, with whom you simply deal because you both want to hang out with your mutual friend.

3. Someone like 1 or 2 who is a really good source of gossip or useful in some other way.

• Part two: People who are definitely friends:

4. Someone with whom you can have a really good time.

5. Someone in whom you can confide.

6. Someone with whom you can have a really interesting conversation.

7. A combination of 4, 5, and/or 6. And y'all are really close.

8. Someone who began as number 2, but grew on you.

• Part three: That really confusing in-betweenness:

9. Someone who counts as number 7, but only sometimes. This person has never actually called you a friend, and you have reason to believe they don't think the same, and for some reason, either a) you can't bring up the subject, or b) they simply haven't gotten around to answering. Just to complicate, sometimes they really are a number 7, but other times, you wonder if they just put up with you. And you care so much because the little voice inside you is telling you there’s something really important about this person. “After all,” it says, “how many people are really on the same wavelength as you? Not many. But this person is. Don’t lose them.”

• Part four: A few types of people in category number 7, because this list just isn't confusing enough:

10. Someone who starts out as number 1 or 2, becomes number 8, then moves to number 7, and you have no idea how the hell that happened, but you really don't care.

11. Someone you know you'll know only for a short amount of time, and yet you somehow seem to have known them forever, even though you learn something new about them about every second, and might be concealing something. But when the venue where you met them is up, you really, really want to see them again, but don't know them well enough to keep any sort of meaningful online friendship going. So you hope that fate will twist itself in that really weird way and you maybe, just maybe, can reinstate as though you were never apart.

12. BFF. Someone who is always there when you have a problem, who won't try to push you past your limits unless it really is good for you, who will never betray you. Someone who sees you how you are and won't try to change that. And someone to whom you are that friend.

My favorite type of friend on this: number 12.
The most important type: Probably number 9. Someone who could be a number 12, but you almost think you’d prefer they declare undying hatred for you than be so confusing. It gets to be you wish for some sort of definity whenever you see a shooting star. Except you don’t get it. Ever.
Because no matter how lucky you are, there’s always one category in which you have none.
And mine is this.

Thought for the day: It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.

Signed,
Two of Wands

The Game

So who is Ender and what is his game? I could write an essay on the two subjects in no time flat, I've thought about it so much. (And yes, I think "Who is Ender?" is a perfectly valid question. After all, the obvious isn't always right.)
But that so isn't what I mean when I say "The Game".
I'm talking about how people interact. If you've ever really observed other people's interactions, especially those of the more socially accepted, you might notice a few things:

• People chum up to people they hate.
• "I love you" has no romantic significance whatsoever. It does, in fact, simply mean, "I do not choose to openly hate you at this time."
  
• Girls coo. It's really disturbing, because they can talk about how much they love a Vera Bradley bag for hours.
• Guys brag. How much they can bench, how awesome they are at sports, how many random trivia facts they know about baseball.
• It's impossible to tell who's dating whom. People break up about every other week, they hug everyone, and unless they're blatantly making out with someone in the halls, they could be just friends. Even if they're feeling each other up.
• You absolutely cannot show any above-average ability in an academic subject, not necessarily even in smart classes. If you ever get an A on a test everyone else failed, you better hide it and keep your trap shut. The masses loathe threats. You succeeding where they failed automatically terms you as a threat.
• If you even slightly balk at their crazy, pointlessly rebellious plans, you automatically get branded as a loser. And it's not that they'll say as much, but everything about them, their posture, their tone, just screams, "Condescending!" People younger than you are treat you like you're about eight. All because you don't think it's a very good idea to drink on an old bridge in the middle of the night. And you had the audacity to voice it.
  
• When in doubt, make animal noises, i.e. Girls squeal, guys grunt.

Oh, I'm not saying everyone behaves this way. There are, in fact, people who choose not to enclose themselves in plastic and hide their true selves. These are the people who discuss string theory at lunch, who join Anime Club, who actually show enthusiasm in presentations.
These people are smart.
These people are honest.
These people have opinions they're not afraid to voice.
These people are scorned.
It's the sad, sad truth that those who don't hide behind a facade are hated. Oh, I'm not saying tell everyone exactly what you think of them, but honestly, who the hell cares about the ins and outs of Vera Bradley. Say "nice purse" and move on.
Although, sometimes, it might be nice to hear the cold, hard truth from someone about whom you care a lot to find out just how they feel about you. The mask of the masses has its benefits, but it also hides us from those close to us. Humankind has wrapped itself in a world of politics at nearly every level of communication. Soon, even the most intimate, private confessions will be reserved for crotchety old ladies and six-year-olds playing Barbie.
No wonder this world's going to hell in a hand bucket. We're carrying it there ourselves.
But a message to you fakes out there, from the people with intense souls and shaky faking plastic skills: While we're out there curing cancer, you'll be mopping floors.
And that's the way of the world.

Thought for the day: It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Signed,
Two of Wands