Serenades

Possibly the most romantic thing a guy could do is, in my opinion, is serenade a girl. But the serenade is not to be taken lightly; certain rules must be obeyed for it to be considered sweet and heart-wrenching, as opposed to embarrassing for all parties involved.

Rule Number 1: Who Can Serenade:

• You must have a good voice, or else the girl will be totally turned off.
• You must be appropriately artsy and offbeat; no hardcore jocks or glow-in-the-dark video game nerds would be taken seriously.
• You must be serious about the girl: serenades are not for one-night stands, but for expressing interest in a long-term relationship with the girl.

Rule Number 2: How to Serenade:

• Her parents should not be home, nor should any stodgy old people be. The ideal situation would be when she is at a sleepover at another girl’s house, whose parents are not home. Another ideal, but more difficult, situation, would be if you were both counselors at a residential summer camp, and you were to serenade her outside her cabin. However, you would have to bring your entire cabin along with you, to witness your potential rejection.
• Don’t be drunk and/or high at the time. Brush your teeth first. Think about it.
• Consider accompaniment. If you can sing the song a cappella, go for it. Playing a background track is tacky, but if you can play the guitar, that would be optimal. In a rarer circumstance, bring a friend who can play the guitar with you, but have him stand behind you so you are the one noticed. I’m sure he’ll understand.
• Make sure you enunciate properly, or else it’ll just sound like, “Blah/ Your eyes/ Blahdity Blah/ I’m a fool”, which totally ruins the effect.
• Make sure the girl is at least a little bit interested; a girl who scorns the ground on which you walk is much more likely to file a restraining order against you than to respond positively.

Rule Number 3: Choosing the Song

• Don’t go for something you know she hates. You will automatically lose. At life.
  
• Funny can be nice, but if you’re normally a riot, take this one thing seriously and do a less comedic and more romantic song.
• Nothing sad or lonely. Acceptable tones include "feelings" (egad, what a loaded word), longing, hope, etc.
  
• Avoiding the L-Bomb might be a decent idea if either one of you is skeptical about young romance and “love at first sight”. If you do choose a song with that, mean it. Otherwise, stick with something that just implies you’re romantically attracted to her.
• Promising anything about forever is a bad idea too, unless you’re proposing. In that case, you’re not trying to get the girl, you’re trying to keep her, so use the L-Bomb as much as you like. (But mean it, dammit!) And have a ring, and maybe make sure there’s an audience, with at least one member armed with a video camera.
  
• Go for a song that has a special memory for the two of you, something positive in which neither of you act like fools, or at least you have fun acting like fools and don’t regret it.
• No duets. Her sticking her head out the window and singing along to “A Whole New World” would get five million hits on You Tube, but that would only happen if a) she’s self-confident enough to sing in public, b) she knows the words and tune, c) she’s convinced you’re serious before the end of the first verse, and d) there’s no screen on the window.
• Nothing that makes it sound like you’re trying to get into her pants. This post is on serenades, not booty calls.
• Some suggestions:

Ø “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain- tried and true.

Ø “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” by Elton John- not the one from The Lion King, but the single. Even though Sir Elton is gay, it can totally be song to a girl.

Ø “Fallin’” from They’re Playing Our Song- (or others) only if you’re both Broadway buffs. Otherwise, you’re an idiot.

Ø “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls- a choice dependent on personal preferences.

Ø “Hanging by a Moment” by Lifehouse- see note for “Iris”.

Ø “Fix You” by Coldplay- if she’s going through a bit of a rough time at the moment, or has weirdly low self-esteem, this could be a huge confidence-booster (and can boost your chances, too).

Ø “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles- for something a little lighter and a bit funnier.

Ø “Bridge over Troubled Water” by Simon and Garfunkel- slow, sweet, and to the point.

Ø “Time after Time” by Cyndi Lauper- yes, it’s by a woman, and no, this post is not for girls to serenade guys (oh, they can, but I for one would much prefer to be serenaded than to do the actual serenading), but there’s nothing gender-specific in this romantic 80s ballad. Sing it an octave lower or change the key.

Ø “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith- for those with difficulty interpreting poetry, it's a good song that’s easy to understand.

So if you want to capture a girl’s heart, serenade! (As long as you follow my three basic, easy-to-figure-out rules.) Just plan it well, and hopefully you won’t die of rejection.

Thought for the day: Bergader: Is it Ber-GAY-der or Ber-GAH-der? Less importantly, how does it taste, and can you put it on a sandwich?

Signed,
Two of Wands (who is less sane than usual at the moment)